A Book is Born

Caution reader: I’m about to expound on a right knavely rave! 

It was bound to happen. I mean really. Having logged tens of thousands of hours on the Internet over the past few years to market my books, I knew there would come a time when the Golden Days of Internet Access would end. And end it did with the clap of God’s hands.

Last Thursday, June 14, our telecommunications line sustained damage after lightning struck. As the clap came down, I ran around the house, turning off my two computers and newly purchased wide-screen TV. The children, like horses in a rainstorm, grew skittish. The storm continued past their bedtime. Jackson’s eyes widened.

“What’s that?” In the bluish light of the storm, his face revealed primal fear.

“It’s God taking pictures,” I said. He froze, pondering this possibility. He must have bought it. I heard him snoring minutes later.

Well God’s green Earth certainly is, well, green, as we move into the thunder showers of summertime. But my big beef is not the Kodak moments God/the Universe/the Divine Spirit decided to have. It’s the fact the Telecom has refused to clean up the mess.

Um….what century are we living in? Are we in the Western World?

So now I have been forced to rely on my old stand-by. Gasp. Dial-up. I feel as though I should be wearing padded shoulders again. Someone. Help me.

Three Fridays have passed, and still no telecom. They seem to be enyjoing playing cat and mouse with us. You’ve got to be kidding, right? You can’t fix the fax line, which runs into our DSL line, so 45 households can get back to the real world? I’m a writer on a rampage and want to call my Congressman. It is only then that I wake up from my reverie to realize I don’t live in his district, much less his country anymore!!!!

I did it. I really did it. Without batting an eye, I approached my local hair salon owner and thrust a bookmark under his nose.

“See this stellar picture of me?” I looked at him evenly. He nodded.

“Your lead hair stylist did my hair. Wanna host a book signing?”

What could the man say? Euro signs popped in his eyes when I told him I’d lure more housewives to his storefront. We’re slated to chat when I return from New York mid-October.

Book promotion never gets easier. My palms still leak when I approach people. Even as a PR consultant who whips out hundreds of queries a week, I can tell you it is MUCH harder when you are representing yourself. Chat steadily with the assistant to Oprah’s executive producer? Easy. Approach the local bookstore with the idea of doing a signing? Scared shitless.

Yeah, I’d better look into that. SAHM I AM: TALES OF A STAY-AT-HOME MOM IN EUROPE is coming out in German in less than four weeks: Erkenntnisse einer Vollzeitmutti is the German title. Now I can be frightened in two languages.

Stellar.