Nancy Cleary, our publisher, would not publish substandard work. I told myself this over and over as I read, re-read, edited, re-wrote, and reviewed mercilessly my own book prior to release.
I loved my book one day, hated it the next. I told only my husband, and my mother, and of course, remembered a movie scene about loathing our own work, being our worst critic.
"Teaching is a way of paying the rent until I finish my novel."
"How long have you been writing it?"
"Ten years."
"It must be very good."
"It's a piece of shit."
(Tom Hulce and Donald Sutherland in Animal House)
People would ask "How's the book coming along?" I was tempted to say "It's a piece of shit", but I remembered that honest people, well-read people, and the writers I knew liked it, they told me it was good. So I went with it.
One hour ago, a guy wearing all brown dropped off two cardboard boxes...my baby, my book, my goal, sat there staring at me. Once again, Zoe sang her made up song "Little Grapes on the Vine/Little Grapes on the Vine/Mama wrote about Little Grapes on the Vine".
I didn't smell shit - I smelled success, it is sweet. It's not real to me, I disbelieve what I am seeing, it's two inches away from my hand and I love my baby. Whatever becomes of her, I have some control over...if she (the book) were a real baby, I'd say I hope she is happy, always happy, and healthy. I hope she (my book) brings happiness to others, brings them health through my recipes, and makes food into wonderful memories for them.
I really do love my baby more than I thought I could. Because I am hyper-critical of myself. I know will be judged, I will be scrutinized for what I have written, it's inevitable. And right now, I just don't care! Right now, I'm feeling pretty good! I did something I set out to do...bestseller or not. Furthermore, I believe in what I did. I love those words and the recipes. So, there's that.
If this book were not meant to be, I wouldn't be writing this, you wouldn't be reading it.
The cloud I am on resembles a cluster of grapes. I don't see it but I believe there is an invisible vine leading me to special things ahead. And I will have Nancy, Paula, Julie, Christine and the everyone else in MWPC to thank, in addition to those who love me, because they all let me shine, even when I said the sun wasn't out. How could it not have been out? Grapes need sunlight to grow.
